Mailbox Mixtape #1

So, it's been awhile since my last blog post. That's because the intriguing experiment I had hoped this blog would be turned into a box of full-length albums transfered to tape. It's funny for one post, hanging on at two, and not compelling at all by post three. However, my previous post suggested another direction this blog might take. I have waited weeks for takers. Finally, my first mailbox mix arrived. And the 2.0 version of this blog began. So, without further ado...

The mix is a cd and comes in the most basic of packaging, no interesting artwork, etc. Not a problem. Sender's not an artist, neither am I. I like cool packaging, but I certainly don't insist on it. Let the music speak for itself. Good work not sending the track listing. Makes me listen harder and gets us closer to one of the qualities that makes mix tapes superior, the difficulty of skipping ahead. Interestingly, the only clue as to who this sender might be is that is has a title. The title is Heffie's Mix. I know no one named Heffie. This is less than a clue.

Track 1
In less than seconds, I know the song. One of the most recognizable openings I know. This is "Heard It Through The Grapevine". Only takes another note or two to realize that this is not Marvin Gaye. You have kicked off this mix by (unknowingly, I'm sure) using one of my favorite songs by (almost certainly) a lesser artist. This does not bode well. Still, we move forward.

Oy. This cover was recorded in the 80s. This may be the guy who sings the theme to Moonlighting. Or his whiter cousin. The background music sounds like a karaoke track. It's also possible that this is the version sung by the California Raisins.

On second thought, it sounds too white to be the California Raisins.

Well, that was forgettable. On to track 2. Send me your address, sender, and I'll burn you Marvin Gaye and Gladys Knight's versions of this song. It will change your life.

Track 2
OK, I kind of dig this song. I think it's called "California" and may be by that band that Jason Schwartzman was the drummer for. It'll come to me.

The fact that this song is called "California" (99% sure that's what it's called, given the fact that the lead singer repeats the name of said state over and over again throughout said song) makes me wonder again if that first song was the California Raisins. Is that the theme here, sender? Is Heffie from California? Is she just a big fan of the OC?

Wait a minute; wasn't this the theme song for the OC? Anyway, I like the piano lick on this.

Phantom Planet. The name of the band is Phantom Planet. And Jason Schwartzman was the drummer.

Interesting sidenote: I once made book recommendations to Jason Schwartzman when he was in the store. Nice guy. Way short.

OK sender, I like this song. I don't love it and I don't know what it is you're trying to tell me about you or Heffie (are you Heffie?), but you have my attention.

Track 3
Wow. This was unexpected. Track 3 is "Rocky Top Tennessee". Not sure who's performing this version, but I dig it. This is, frankly, a difficult song for me not to like, no matter who's performing it. I just really like this song.

How did you know I liked this song, Heffie? How did you know about those camp counselors I thought were so cool when I was in the 5th grade because they were sort of younger and seemed to get that I was nerdy and lonely and let me sit around while the other kids were back in their cabins and listen to them perform bluegrass tunes? How did you know this was the song that I learned all the words to by time the week was out?

So, California and Tennessee. Still doesn't explain that first song. Unless track four is going to be performed by Tennessee Ernie Ford. That would be pretty funny, actually.

Heffie, I sort of love you for this track. At the very least, I completely forgive you for track one.

Track 4
Ok, I think I know this song. This sounds like a band trying to sound like Queen and Kiss and failing.

Oh. This is that band The Darkness. I believe this is called "I Believe In A Thing Called Love". That or "Touching You, Touching Me".

Not gonna lie, Heffie, this song sort of gets on my nerves. They're so in on the joke, and not in a Spinal Tap way. They are to Spinal Tap what the Broadway cast of Monty Python is to the real Monty Python; the genius of the original is that they never wink, the weakness of the copycat is that they're one big wink.

Not sure how these songs hang together.

Track 5
OK Heffie, you are either a genius or certifiably insane. Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart"? Kudos. I am officially thrown. I have to assume that this mix either isn't meant to tell me anything about you or is intended to reveal the secrets of the universe, if only I can decipher its clues.

On the other hand, maybe Heffie was your camp counselor. Maybe that's all this is. And you know what, sender? That would be OK. Those camp counselors deserve their mix, the good ones are so rare.

Track 6
"California Girls". Well, I'm stumped. Just when I was sure this couldn't be about California, you throw this into the mix. I need to pause and regroup.

I have to say, sender, I have been assuming you're Heffie, but it's possible that Heffie's your girl. Here's the scenario as I currently envision it:

You are a male or female from somewhere in Tennessee. You're into lame country music because you were born in the mid to late 80s somewhere near Nashville and don't know any better. Heffie is a female from California. You and Heffie met one summer when you attended the same summer camp. She quickly became either your best friend, your girlfriend or your best friend you wish was your girlfriend. This is your mix, but it is also, as titled, Heffie's mix. Am I close, sender?

Track 7
First song that I don't even kind of recognize. No surprise. This is electronica/dance club music, and not LCD Soundsystem or Daft Punk. This is the sort of song they feature on Time Life's Let's Dance series, alongside Pink's "Get The Party Started". This may, in fact, be Pink.

This is the first song on this mix that I want to skip. "Heard It Through The Grapevine" is a classic, even if you picked the wrong version. "Achy Breaky Heart" scratches at a kind of generic nostalgia that has me singing along before I have the chance to change the channel.

She keeps singing "I'm gonna get through this". This will become my Track 7 mantra. I'm gonna get through this. I'm gonna get through this. I'm gonna-

OK, I'm skipping to track 8.

Track 8
The opening bars scream bad 90s country.

This guy's voice is 90s country. Maybe 80s. This guy listens to a lot of George Strait.

I have never heard this song before. I wish I had never heard it, period. I think he just told some girl to "kiss his glass".

Sounds like this song is titled "Brokenheartsville" (I can only assume that's one word). Did you and Heffie have a falling out? Because this is what a kid from Nashville listens to when his/her California girl from summer camp breaks his/her heart. Actually, I don't think a girl would listen to this song to mourn the loss of another girl. If this song is about Heffie leaving you, then you are a guy. It's also possible that some Nashville guy made you this mix and your sending it to me is your way of reaching out and/or punishing him.

Track 9
OK, I LOVE this song! How do you follow "Brokenheartsville" with Bobby Darin?! Are you messing with me?

That said, "Beyond the Sea" could be another California reference. Does your lover stand on golden sands? Are you the lover?

I'm going to say that two women don't share a Bobby Darin song. If this is a song shared by lovers, then one of them is a guy.

Track 10
"Hotel California"? Couldn't have been a bit more obvious, sender? Somebody is from California. Is it you? Is it Heffie? Are you Heffie? Did you meet at summer camp?

What can I say about this song? Everyone on earth has heard this song and everyone has their mind firmly made up as to its merits. I don't need to make a case for/against it.

That said, I like this song. I like the Eagles. So who the hell am I to judge you, sender? One could certainly argue that Don Henley is just as impossible as whoever sings "Brokenheartsville".

Man, this song is long.

This song really creeped me out as a kid. I could imagine this place with a sort of pseudo-Satanic decadence. This song makes me feel the same way that Three Dog Night's "Eli's Coming" makes me feel. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K, Heffie. And at the Hotel California. Eli is, indeed, coming. And he's making it rain oil out of the sky.

This song never ends. I take it back, Heffie, the reason why people hate this song is because they have to listen to all of it. Only song it's possible to love up front and hate by the end.

Track 11
Back to bad country. This time with a bit of bad Billy Joel piano ballad.

Oh, I see what you just did 90s country guy. You set me up. This is a bad country beer commercial song with a bad breakup beginning. Which is another way of saying that I want to hunt down and kill whoever it is singing this song.

Does he keep singing "kissee kissee smoochee smoochee"? I'm a pacifist, Heffie, but I want to beat this guy to death.

This guy wants to be every country song ever performed by Garth Brooks or Alan Jackson and fails miserably.

Pretty sure this song is titled "I Got A Brand New Girlfriend". Is this a kiss off to Heffie?

Track 12
I know this song, but not this version. This is like an acoustic cut of a Bob Schneider song, except it's not Bob Schneider. Who is this?

Is this John Mayer? AAAAAAaaaaaggggghhhh!!! Who IS this?

"Am I livin' it right? Am I livin' it right? Why Georgia why?"

Don't love this song, though this acoustic version is better than the original.

Wait, someone just laughed in the background. This is live in a club somewhere. Wait! Almost had it. Dangit.

Who IS THIS?!

I think this is John Mayer. That is unforgivable, sender. Don't send me mixes with The Beach Boys and John Mayer. They just confuse me and make me angry. Genius smacks up against "meh".

Track 13
Another one of my favorite songs done as a bad cover. Almost assuredly the same guy as track one. If you're going to use "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" why not use The Temptations? Are you trying to hurt me, sender? Did someone put you up to this?

Send me your address, sender. I will burn you a Motown mix that includes the original "Grapevine" as well as the original "Ain't Too Proud". I don't want to be a snob, but this is ridiculous.

To your credit, Track 13 is the last track and you clearly meant to begin and end with the same artist. I like that kind of thoughtfulness. In the future, make sure that artist is either Marvin Gaye or at least one of The Temptations.

You took a big risk being the first one out of the gate there, sender. I didn't promise to love your mix or to go easy on it, and you sent it on ahead anyway. I didn't love it, but I tried not to be too harsh. I hope we can still be friends. I wish I had a better understanding of what you were trying to say, but maybe you just had to be there. Maybe you just had to be Heffie. Maybe you are Heffie. Whether you are or not, I thank you for putting yourself out there and I hope you'll inspire others to do the same.